Joy of Deconstruction

 Joy

Emptiness fills me

Where joy once stood

Darkness envelops

Nothing is understood

What once was right

Now is wrong

What I once held tight

Now is gone

Beliefs that hurt,

Hindered, scarred

I held to tightly

Now I am marred

The weights called convictions

Sunk me so deep

I am now trying to shake them 

All I do is weep

Backslider! Jezebel!

I have heard all the names

You can’t do much worse

I have played all the games

Smile and be sweet

Submit and be content

No complaints, no frowns

No room to vent

No room for error

You’re a Christian remember?

Don’t you dare misstep

Not a spot of dirt ever.

Fake. It’s all fake. 

Behind the smiles and prayers

Hidden heartache and pain

Shoved down for years

No one can be honest

No one can be real

No one can ever

Be sad or feel

Anything but joy

Or you are not saved

At the very least you

To sin have caved

But no more, ever

I refuse to hide

My feelings are valid

Your joy I have tried

My God became human

So He understands

On the days I am so depressed

Or when I anxiety does end.

He is there with me

When I am low

Doesn’t expect me to fake it

Doesn’t expect me to glow

He allows me to feel

He allows me to cry

He allows me to be angry

And shake my fist on the sky

He doesn’t punish me

For how honest I am

He listens and waits

And He understands 

So no need to hide

What He already knows

Might as well be honest

And say how it goes

For in honesty I find

The true joy

That I have always 

Longed to enjoy

-Amber Schultz

2023