Joy

Joy

Emptiness fills me

Where joy once stood

Darkness envelops

Nothing is understood

What once was right

Now is wrong

What I once held tight

Now is gone

Beliefs that hurt,

Hindered, scarred

I held to tightly

Now I am marred

The weights called convictions

Sunk me so deep

I am now trying to shake them 

All I do is weep

Backslider! Jezebel!

I have heard all the names

You can’t do much worse

I have played all the games

Smile and be sweet

Submit and be content

No complaints, no frowns

No room to vent

No room for error

You’re a Christian remember?

Don’t you dare misstep

Not a spot of dirt ever.

Fake. It’s all fake. 

Behind the smiles and prayers

Hidden heartache and pain

Shoved down for years

No one can be honest

No one can be real

No one can ever

Be sad or feel

Anything but joy

Or you are not saved

At the very least you

To sin have caved

But no more, ever

I refuse to hide

My feelings are valid

Your joy I have tried

My God became human

So He understands

On the days I am so depressed

Or when I anxiety does end.

He is there with me

When I am low

Doesn’t expect me to fake it

Doesn’t expect me to glow

He allows me to feel

He allows me to cry

He allows me to be angry

And shake my fist on the sky

He doesn’t punish me

For how honest I am

He listens and waits

And He understands 

So no need to hide

What He already knows

Might as well be honest

And say how it goes

For in honesty I find

The true joy

That I have always 

Longed to enjoy

Blue Christmas

 Christmas.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. 

At least that is what we are told.

I remember very few christmases. Ones I remember are not the best times. It wasn’t lack of gifts, because from a young age we were taught to not attach ourselves to things. This was a forced lesson because of our sudden moves from place to place. Rarely things were kept, it’s amazing we still have family photos.

My Dad loves Christmas. Loves it. Always wanted to make a big deal out of it. It was his time to spend everything he had on gifts. Or, some years, take our (the kid’s) money to buy the gifts and never pay it back. 

Christmas became bittersweet.

The sweet came from the bustling excitement around the holiday. Every and everyone changed. Food might be scarce, but there were church plays and things to get lost in. 

As an adult, I have found that many people with difficult/traumatic childhoods struggle around the holidays. I always felt weird or alone in feeling sad or disconnected, but finding this truth gave me solidarity and validated my emotions.

Trauma is a tricky thing. Because the abuse doesn’t happen every second, there are happy times. These happy times are what we cling to. We long for them to return and we do everything we can to make sure it stays. Of course, in an abuse cycle, it is not how it works. There is always happiness (love bombing) and then the abuse afterwards- and then repeat that for days, months, years on end. 

Christmas was that happy time for me. 

Now, as a parent, I strive to create an environment as calm and safe as possible. I have MANY issues I am working through, and they bleed through a lot of times. But, I can say I have broken many, many generational curses. I see it in our kids. 

Christmas to them will mean something in their memories than it does in mine. My sadness associated with this holiday ends with me. My children do not have to bear the burden I do; and this is something that I painstakingly work towards on a daily basis. 

So even now, in my disconnected moments of Christmas, I can look at them and feel the joy they feel. They will never know a day like my childhood. Ever. They will not know what it is like to walk on egg shells around a parent. They will not ever struggle with bearing the weight of parenting a parent. They will not ever have to know superficial joy in their family unit. Because we are honest and raw and vulnerable with one another. They see my struggle, and I am transparent with them. I fight these battles so they do not have to. 

They already exhibit so much more joy and strength than I have ever felt.  I am incredibly proud of the humans they are becoming.

So despite my Christmas blues, the gifts God gave me through our children are innumerable. Their presence has helped and healed me more than anyone could ever realize. They are my joy this holiday season. 

Untouched Bible

Every morning like clockwork. Five am would roll around and the coffee pot would start. The smell of Folgers would fill the house. A single lamp would click on, a box of bible verse references would open, and a bible would sit on the arm of the chair. 

Every morning he read. Every morning he studied. Every morning he would recite the hundreds of bible verses he had memorized. Verses he would use as weapons during the day. 

Every day we had laughter. The laughter covered the wounds that were deep; continuously being reopened with venom spewed in the King James Version. Rebellious, ungrateful, hateful, crazy, Jezebel, stupid, “ you just need to get right with God”.

Never enough money, because alcohol or drugs were king. But don’t worry, we made sure to have daily devotions to remind us of our place in the home. We were to submit to authority no matter the cost.  If we were out of step, God’s wrath would come down at all cost.

Selling blood to buy food. Stealing water from gas stations to be able to survive. One wrong step, the snap of a leather belt would ring in the air.  

But every morning the Bible was read. Every night devotions were done. 

Using the knowledge of the Word of God, he (along with our pastors) twisted the love and grace into something ugly and conditional.  No matter the wrongs committed by him, he was “protected by God”. He was never caught. Never in trouble.

BOOM! Middle of the night we must shove everything we can into a bag and leave. Everything we have owned or have known we leave behind. Twenty-nine times in 20 years of my life-toys, pets, furniture, memories, everything in the dust to run away from the police. He never had to pay for the sins of the past, only we paid for them.

Living in a hotel. One whole year. Powered milk and cereal. No hot meals for a year. He lied and said our house burnt down. We got money and clothes…and “God protected him”.

Yet every single day the bible was read. Every single day we had family devotions. 

So now, even fifteen years after moving out, I struggle deeply with the Words of the Bible. 

I hear them, I see them, I try hard to read them; but each page is stained with a memory. Blood, sweat, tears, and bruises cover the pages as I try to read the Words of the God who loves me more than I know. 

Dogmatic, harsh preaching causes fight or flight mode to kick in, and panic sets in. Am I performing enough? Am I doing enough to not be called names or a disappointment God?

Spiritual abuse is real. I fight it every single day. I go weeks and months without touching the Bible. Because reading it sometimes triggers something in me and I have flashbacks and pain. When words that are meant to help you grow are used to destroy you daily, it is hard to move past that so easily.

I believe, dear reader, that God understands this. He understands every trauma I faced, and He understands why I can’t “perform” all the time. He sees my heart. My heart that wants to serve Him and others. My heart that wants to grow in grace and raise children up without the scars I bare. His grace is sufficient for me and in my weakness He does sustain me. Even if I can’t touch His Word. For I believe that God can connect to us outside the box that He has been put in.

Other versions have helped me. The ESV has helped me be able to pick up a bible again without triggers. 

No matter your past or the pain you have suffered, God understands if you cannot do what Christians expect you to do. Darkness may be where you came from, but darkness is not where you need to stay. There is healing and hope in the REAL God who is peace, grace, and love. The God we were taught about was a man twisting words to control and hurt. 

The Goodbye

 Swirling confusion

Unanswered questions

Why am I choosing this way?

Leaving my world

Everything I’ve known

When a part of me really wants to stay.

Seeing the Truth

Hurt by the lies

Why did it take me this long?

When all I wanted

Was to just stay

And sing another line of the song.

Abuse and hate

Judgement and pain

Is all that is handed down.

Why did the church

Twist every Word

To keep us pinned to the ground.

Smile! Keep sweet

Submit and obey

Keep your head down to pray.

I’m stifled, can’t breath

I just need just some space

To say what I need to say

I’m not a doormat

I’m not your toy

To dress how you wish.

Modesty! Oh Yes!

Be nicely dressed

Homemade meals in every dish.

Skirts to the floor

Don’t tempt the men

Their sin will rest on your head.

If you were touched

You should have just run

Or tried to escape from your bed.

Come little girl

We’ll keep you pure

Just say nothing of what happened then.

God does forgive

And so must we

He’ll never do it again.

Lies. All lies

They always repeat

But you church don’t wish to see.

It’s because of you

We are all through

We are now the persons we wish to be.

Growing and healing

Seeking the Truth

Finding it not in a Church.

Outdoors with trees

Indoors with books

These places don’t make us lurch.

We are safe away

Leaving it all behind

To grow our faith on our own.

Without you Church

We are thriving each day

Trust me you lost and we’ve won.

Why Now?

Deconstruction.

A term coined in the last few years on social media, and it means to reevaluate and shed former beliefs. I have been deconstruction for fifteen years. Really, I would say my whole life I didn’t agree with a lot of things I was taught, but it wasn’t until my twenties that I made the move to start changing. 

It was ever so slow.

It is still every evolving.

Why now? After thirty-five years in church, why start talking about this now? 

Because, there is a great need to understand that there are SO MANY people walking away from their faith. Spiritual abuse is rampant among churches. Abuse is hidden and ignored, families are made to stay in dangerous situation, and all for the sake of  “abstaining from the APPEARANCE of evil”

Because if churches acknowledge their issues, then the veneer they have placed on themselves would fall apart. They would be like everyone else; and this cannot happen. They can’t be seen to look like the world in anyway, so any sin or abuse that comes to light it is buried. 

Not anymore.

Everyday someone comes forward to talk about their story.

Everyday someone starts deconstruction.

These people are gaslit by they church, or are being called part of the “great falling away” before Christ’s return. I beg to differ. These brave souls are daring to do what not many dare to do; go against the status quo.

The road of deconstruction is not easy. We lose family, friends, our community, our sense of self, and so many other things as we start the journey seeing the Truth.

Because of the reaction to their seeking/asking question; many people find themselves leaving their Faith all together. I can understand why. The God we have been taught is not the God of the Bible. The God we were taught is angry, abusive, allows abuse, and stands for the narcissist people that are in leadership. 

I watched my dad daily read his bible; never missing a morning. After his reading, his day would be filled with gaslighting, abuse, stealing, conning, anger, manipulation and all of it was justified by scripture. 

Scripture can be so easily twisted to fit the agenda of those in power, and if questioned they shut us down.

THIS IS WHY WE LEAVE.

We are to a place we don’t know what to believe or trust because it has all been used as a tool to oppress and control people. 

I am starting my YouTube Platform in January, and each week I will highlight something different with coming out of the fundamentalist faith.  I will share stories of survivors, tell my own story, react to crazy pastor clips or memes, and talk about different topics that are important to me. 

To me it is important to see deconstruction and all of these stories/topics from the lenses of someone who has deconstructed but still in the faith. 

So why now? Because it is needed more than every for people to see they aren’t alone in their journey. 

Losing friends, family, and community because of a decision is so heartbreaking. The more we spread awareness of the abuse, the twisting of scripture, the losses, and the stories of people deconstructing; the more people will see that they have a community of people who understand where they are and where they end up. 

Every person has a story. Every person is important. 

So this is why I speak out now.